Behind Closed Doors

As I’m writing this, today is the feast of St Thomas. You’ve probably heard of Tom-o. He’s the one that doubted Jesus. He was all like *NAH HE’S NOT BACK!* The other apostles were like *YEAH HE IS, THOUGH!* Thomas was all like *M8. PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.* …Or something to that effect, anyway. This is just after Jesus has died and the apostles are all terrified that they’ll be next. Anyway, the gospel says:

John 20:27-29 

A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” ²⁷ Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” ²⁸ Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” ²⁹ Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

I was expecting the homily to be the usual: Don’t be a doubting Thomas! Trust in the LORD! Live by faith, not sight! Plot twist: it wasn’t. The priest chose instead to talk about the room the apostles locked themselves in. “That room,” he said, “had more fear in it than it did peace… until Jesus came in and offered His own peace”. He said that we all have rooms in our hearts full of fear, and all we have to do is open the door and let Jesus in and He’ll give us His own peace… He asked the congregation what doors we had shut, even to Jesus? I found myself nearly in tears in mass (which is definitely not usual for me) as I realised that there were doors in my heart that were still shut to Jesus. They shut up the real pain and hurt I felt from the things I had loved and lost. They shut up the shame of having loved and lost. They shut up the things I had longed for and thought I would never have. They shut me up. I started to pray. You can pray this too, if you like:

Hey, Jesus. This isn’t easy. It’s actually so hard and I’m struggling so much. I need You… Please help me. I invite You in. I invite You into the darkest places of myself that I have closed the door on, to shine Your light and to bring Your peace. I surrender myself completely to You. I ask You to make the death You find behind my doors into new life in Your love. I love you, Jesus. Amen.  

After I said this to Him, He reminded of one of my favourite songs, “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel. These are the opening lines:

In every heart, there is a room A sanctuary, safe and small To heal the wounds, of loves past Until a new one comes along.

Jesus, I pray that You will be the new love in our hearts.