Weariness

I feel weary.

Odd, isn’t it? Considering that technically I’m still on uni holidays… but I do feel weary.
I find myself weary due to jumping up and down for God. Sometimes, it wasn’t even jumping up and down, but it was running here and there for Him or for His people… or even being still in the midst of a storm. You wouldn’t think that being still would be tiring… but I would, personally. There is so much that is involved in being still and He rarely tells us to be still in calm, peaceful surroundings (go read a previous blog called “Stop Praying” if you would like to see what I’m talking about).

But this weariness thing is a legit thang… and THAT’S JUST IT – spiritual weariness ain’t nuthin’ but a thang.

If you’ve ever been in a rave room, a mosh pit or any kind of jump-up-and-down-for-whatever-reason-kind-of-place… you may understand what I’m referring to. It takes a lot of energy to remain enthusiastic over a long period of time.

SOMETIMES, you might need to leave the rave room, take a breather and come back in to keep on partying hard. If you don’t, it’s not great.

My best friend and I went on the same schoolies trip. Before you freak out, it was a Christian camp thing called Scripture Union and I WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT. These were in the days before we knew each other well, so I heard this story a while after it happened…

As I mentioned, it was a totally safe, drugs and alcohol free, Christian schoolies that we were on, so when I say that there was a rave room, I mean, it was a hardcore rave room with true ravers of steel. I was only in that room for a few songs at a time because LET ME TELL YOU, the room was THICK with CONDENSATION from THE AMOUNT OF SWEAT from ALL OF THE PEOPLE DANCING. I just want to also mention that THIS ROOM WAS AIR CONDITIONED, but it didn’t so much HELP. I believe my friend said that she danced to every song for the whole night… I’m pretty sure she also feinted and/or threw up from her exhaustion… I’ll have to check with her on the specifics of her adverse reactions, but it was pretty intense (so I hear). I would not have known what actually happened to her, because I was probably outside in the cool evening air drinking actual water and breathing actual air instead of trying to make do with the stench of sweat inside.

That’s not to say that I missed out entirely on the fun… Like I said, I went back into the rave room intermittently and raved just as hardcore… and you know what? I didn’t throw up or feint! I just DANCED… and, (no offense, bestie, when you no doubt read this blog and feel OUTRAGED by this next sentence), I probably danced with a lot more energy than my friend did, because she would have been ridiculously tired and gasping for breath.

In a similar way to me ducking in and out of the rave room at schoolies, it’s good to take a spiritual breather sometimes… The only issue with this would be if I chose to stay outside and watch everyone else dancing and just chill while they do all the work and/or party hard. Not only would I miss out on partying, I would be letting the team down.

You may (or may not) have noticed that I stopped writing my blog for a little while there… That was for a few reasons. One of them was that I had other things to do… another, was that I believed I didn’t have much else to write about and I thought very seriously about not writing anymore.

Tonight, I guess you could say that I decided to go back into the rave room and…
LO AND BEHOLD! I have something to write about now.

Weariness is not a problem, unless you allow it to become a problem. It’s always okay to take some time and just breathe… and after you have, come back into the rave room and dance.

Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Peace and Quiet

I’ve written a lot about what makes an adult and the experiences that I’ve had in trying to figure that out, but recently, I’ve been asking myself a deeper and kind of more embarrassing question: what makes a woman?

Like I said, it’s an embarrassing question to ask. In fact, it kind of makes me cringe and want to stop talking… but sometimes questions that provoke a reaction like that are the most important questions to ask ourselves.

I have absolutely no idea what makes someone a woman as opposed to a girl. In fact, the reason that I’m talking about it now is because my Grandma told my little cousin, Sunflower, to ‘stand up straight like Siobhan does, then you’ll be a little lady, like her’.

Not only do I have terrible posture, I was slumped over the kitchen table when she said that.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I hadn’t thought of myself as being a lady, or even a woman… I thought I was just a girl who was still learning how to ‘arise’ and be an adult… I realised I hadn’t even considered the thought of being a woman. 

“Here’s a question,” I replied, somewhat sheepish, “What… what makes someone a woman? …And what makes someone a lady?”

“When you can do things just quietly and kindly without making a big fuss of it, that’s when you’re a lady,” she told me. I squinted. I didn’t know how I felt about a more mature version of femininity being boiled down to ‘quiet’ and ‘kind’.

I read a fantastic book around this time last year called Captivating. It’s now one of my favourite books. A part from Captivating came back to me about how, when woman is loved, she has a quiet, peaceful spirit about her… She finds rest. I should point out that the love they were talking about (and suggesting that the woman should pursue) was God’s love. I’m not suggesting that women should chase men so as to find rest, just so we’re clear.  

That way of thinking about it made more sense to me and it reminded me of yet another thing, which had been repeated to me several times all through last year. You’ve probably heard it, too… It’s one of St Augustine’s finest quotes:

Our hearts are restless until they rest in you, O LORD. 

I suppose from that, I realised that a peaceful and kind spirit brings forth peace and kindness to a woman’s surroundings. 

It also made me feel pretty convicted. I know that I have dramatic tendencies and restlessness which can often bleed into my surroundings and relationships. What I think I’ve realised is that those tendencies are rooted in an emotional and spiritual immaturity.

I mean, surely if I knew and believed that I was loved by an all-loving, all-powerful Creator of the Universe who held me in the palm of His hand, then I would have no reason to be dramatic or restless?  Like I said, it was convicting and it made me stop and reconsider a few things for a moment.

I want to be that kind of woman.

I want God’s peace and love to overflow from me into what surrounds me.

Another thing came to mind soon after, which is something that my best friend once told me.

Gentleness is strength under control.

 

That gentle peace that I wanted to know was also a source of strength.

Proverbs 31 or The Ideal Woman/Wife has a lot to say about the topic of womanhood. When I was reflecting on this question of what makes a woman, a verse from this chapter came to mind.

 She is clothed in strength and dignity and she can laugh at the days to come. 

 

This true peace that I seek is not about being in calm surroundings with calm people and thus, being calm. It’s about being calm, quiet and still inside. It’s about cultivating and sustaining that, even and especially when surrounded by people and circumstances which are anything but calm. Great peace is the foundation great strength.

The thought of the future makes me dramatic and restless, but it makes the Proverbs 31 woman laugh.

The peace of being filled to overflowing with God’s love gives us strength in any circumstance. It allows us the peace and strength to laugh at the future, whatever the days to come may bring.

Childlike

My little cousin came over for a playdate a few days ago. She reminds me of a sunflower, so I’m going to refer to her as Sunflower for the purposes of this blog.

She came into my room and knelt behind where I was sitting on my computer, attempting to write something. She happened to kneel down right next to the picture of Jesus that my Dad drew (with some help from the Holy Spirit, as he always clarifies) a few years ago. It’s Jesus on the cross just after He’s breathed His last.

“Hey, you!” I greeted her. I turned around to see her contemplating this picture.

She leaned over and kissed Him on the cheek.

I let out an “Awwwwhh!”

She beamed at me and started to speak with a stuttering, relentless excitement, “Uhm! Siobhan! What if! Why don’t! Uhm! Why don’t… like… Like… You and your Mum and your Dad like… Uhm! Stand on a street corner and… like… Why don’t you say, ‘everyone! Come up and sign the painting!’?”

“Uhm… Why would we do that, Sunflower?”

“Because… because then it would be like a signed poster or something of the people who believe in Jesus and love Him and the people that… that He believes in and who He loves.”

“Did you know that there’s actually already a book of that? It’s in Heaven and it’s called the Book of Life?”

Her eyes went wide, “Really?”

“Yep… and did you know that God has us all written on the palm of His hand?”

“REALLY?”

“Yes!”

She looked shy all of a sudden as she asked, “…Even me?”

“Especially you, Sunflower.”

“Wooooooooooowwwww,” she breathed. She looked back at the picture and her eyes lit up.

Matthew 9:14
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Letting Go

How do you even begin to let something go?

I feel like I should have a ready answer to this question but I really do not.

I want an answer, though… so now we’re going to look at a bunch of past experiences and see if we can glean some kind of flipping UNDERSTANDING of the question, at least…

When I was a little kid, I had to learn to let go of my parents as all little kids do. I mean, there’s always that awkward phase for toddlers that are nearly old enough to be defined as children where they have to learn not to be carried everywhere and held every second. They whine and complain about it, because who wants to WALK or even RUN when you can be carried AND hugged at the same time?

Not toddlers who are nearly kids, that’s for sure.

After your parents are successful in convincing you to walk on the ground, you usually graduate to the hand holding stage. I think I’ve written another blog about how sassy I was during this stage. I would only hold onto one of my Dad’s fingers because FIERCE INDEPENDENCE.

However! Following the comfort of hand holding fun (lived to its full glory when holding the hands of two people and jumping over puddles) you have to learn to walk without an aid. No more puddle jumping. No more hand holding. No more walking with any form of aid.

…In that entire ‘walk’ of life (pardon my HILARIOUS pun), are we progressively let go of or do we decide on our own to let go?

Is that a sweet release ? Or, is it perhaps more painful than anything?
Is it both? YO. But for real… WHAT IS IT?

I happen to have a particularly vivid (albeit, at times annoyingly selective) memory… So, I can remember being a toddler who was nearly a kid and going through that awkward stage of no longer being held and carried places. Learning to walk without help is hard at whatever stage of life you’re in.

I try and be as comforting as I can when I see toddlers going through this phase. By which I mean, I’m more than likely to pick them up again or give them a hug. It’s rough to be let go of by someone you love, even if that someone is just your parents encouraging your independence.

I also know that I have to regulate that behaviour.

How will they learn to walk on their own if I am constantly carrying them?

How will they learn to navigate life their own and learn wisdom if I am holding onto their hand the whole time?

Letting go and being let go of go must go hand in hand.

I think that process is both a sweet release and a painful separation… but that’s not the point. The point is the necessity of letting go and being let go of. We learn a lot from it.

How, then, does hope come into all of this?

How is it possible to have hope for a situation or a person, but still completely let go of the situation or person and put them out of mind completely?

Perhaps the best part of letting go of someone’s hand is the hope that you’ll be able to hold it again someday, and when you do, it will be better than before.

For example, if your arm is twisted a lot when you hold hands with someone, it’s better to let go so as to release that pain. Choosing to hold hands again perfects the grip you once had.

Perhaps the best lessons are learnt in the time between when you let go of that hand and you hold onto another hand and take a different opportunity… or even just wait until you can hold that one again. Even if we’re waiting for that, we still have to let go, if we’re waiting properly.

I mean, you can’t be waiting to hold someone’s hand again if you’re still holding onto it, can you? Waiting doesn’t always mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting go, too.

Yo, just to remind you (and me)… the question I posed at the start of the blog was: how do we even begin to let something go?

I just said a lot of things about letting go, being let go of, holding on and waiting… but it occurs to me that anything that I’ve ever thought I was holding onto wasn’t mine, but it was given to me by God, who has everything in the palm of His hand.

How lucky are we to be gifted anything, particularly if it comes from Him?

“If everything is Yours, then I can’t let it go. It was never mine to hold”.

Audrey Assad

Just One Drop

Did you know that one drop of holy water into a cup of normal water will make that entire cup holy water?

True story!
According to my parish priest, anyway…
Well, according to what my grandma told me my parish priest said…

Regardless, I felt that was both interesting and poignant in regards to what makes things holy. When you think about it, it’s pretty incredible. I’m not suggesting we go out and do this, but just one drop of holy water could make the entire ocean holy. Woah. 

I imagine it to be similar to when you put a drop of detergent into some really dirty water. If you’ve never seen it before, you should try it some time for the lolz. All of the gunk in the water reacts by racing out to the edges, away from the detergent. It almost looks like the bad stuff in the water runs away from the good stuff that you drop in. Similarly, the forces of darkness would just run and hide from holiness.

I feel like the same goes for people. Just one drop of holiness could make an entire city holy. The first time I thought of this, I was thinking along the lines of evangelism and it’s true, a small amount of people, or even just one person, can show thousands of people the truth about Jesus (citation: The entire New Testament)… But I think even just the presence of a holy person can do wonders for their surroundings.

That being said, it’s not always super easy being that one, holy person and having to be the one to make a difference. The thing about it is, you don’t notice and you can never fully know the difference you will be, can be and are making on your environment and the people in it.

The cool thing is, even a small amount of holiness can redeem a massive amount of sin. I mean, just check out this scripture:

Genesis 18:27-33
Abraham Pleads for Sodom

²⁷ Then Abraham spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, ²⁸ what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five people?”

“If I find forty-five there,” he said, “I will not destroy it.”

²⁹ Once again he spoke to him, “What if only forty are found there?”

He said, “For the sake of forty, I will not do it.”

³⁰ Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?”

He answered, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”

³¹ Abraham said, “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?”

He said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it.”

³² Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?”

He answered, “For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it.”

³³ When the Lord had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home.

You.
YES, YOU.
You might be the difference between death and Life.
…And you don’t even know it.

You’re the drop of holy water that God has placed in the ocean of His people, to make them holy in your own unique way by following His call and purpose… Just your presence is going to have a ripple effect that will bring a much needed cleansing to so many people’s lives…

How awesome is THAT?

Heaven on Earth

I remember a homily that I heard from when I was little. It was about Heaven. I really only remember about one sentence from the whole thing, but it stuck with me:

Heaven is beyond our imagination – by which I mean, anything that we can imagine, won’t be in Heaven, because it will be even better than what we could ever imagine. 

You can guess what that was like for young Siobhan, who may or may not have been daydreaming about what Heaven would be like during the whole thing instead of fully listening, and was brought back to attention by this sentence. I felt so much awe from this statement. It was mind blowing.

I thought of rainbows… but rainbows wouldn’t be there… because there would be WAY COOLER rainbows!!!!!!!!!!
LIKE RAINBOWS WITH ACTUAL POTS OF GOLD AND LEPRECHAUNS AND UNICORNS AS WELL WHICH MY STINKY BROTHER SAID DIDN’T ACTUALLY EXIST! AND! AND! AND THERE WOULD ALSO BE MERMAIDS!!!! AND… DRAGONS! AND FAIRIES!
… wait… no…

Those won’t be there either… because THERE’LL BE SOMETHING BETTER.

I stood there and experienced, probably for the first time, the incomprehensible glory of God.

He. Could. Even. Make. Rainbows. BETTER.

WOOOOOOOOOW.

I continued to sit there for the rest of mass (and I think the day, and probably the rest of my life, considering that I’m still sitting here doing it) and contemplate all the things that wouldn’t be in Heaven, because I could imagine them. As a young’un, I had a pretty active imagination, which I was pretty proud of, even at that early stage… but I couldn’t outdo God.

He was always one step ahead!

IF I COULD THINK IT, HE COULD THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER.

At the end of the day, I decided to stop daydreaming of things because I realised that if I could think of it, it wouldn’t be in Heaven… and I dang needed me some brownies in Heaven, alright, Jesus?

How interesting, that I still have the same attitude, even when I’m older… I think I know what’s best for me or what would be like Heaven to me… but God has a better, grander, more awesome plan and it’s better than what I’ve imagined for myself.

The thing about Heaven is that we’re not there yet. We live in a very earthly, very sinful world… which kind of sucks hardcore, because we’re not made for this earth – we’re made for Heaven.

The really awesome thing is that God is still with us on earth. (Thank goodness!!!)

My dad once told me that the sign of a good leader was someone who looked ahead to see if there would be problems in the future that would come from the decisions that happen now. I still think that’s great advice, particularly in the practical sense and it’s useful when I’m trying to make the most wise decisions possible for my life. It could also, however, be applied it in a way that isn’t very useful in a spiritual sense.

I’m not always the most wise, particularly when I’m trying to figure out where my choices might lead, which means that on occasion, instead of looking to the future with caution, I tend to look with fear…

AND THAT, KIDS, ISN’T A GOOD THING!

I know I have nothing to fear… I mean, God tells us 365 times in the Bible “be not afraid”. Yes, that is one for every day of the year. Good job!

The interesting thing is, when my discernment bleeds into worry or even expectation of the future, it rarely happens in the way I thought it would. It’s pretty obvious why that is…

Isaiah 55:8

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.

Yep. It’s that verse that your mum used to quote when you freaked out about stuff… or maybe that was just my mum? Whatever. It was probably your mum too. We all know what mums are like (i.e. awesome).

I’ve noticed that when I get to the bottom of a situation or something is revealed to me… it’s always SO much better than I could ever imagine. In fact, it’s something that I couldn’t have even imagined.

It’s those moments when I can see Heaven’s presence on earth.

Advent Awkwardness

Mother Mary, or Mumma Maz as I like to call her, is just the greatest…

One of my favourite things about Mary is her obedience to God’s call.

In the lead up to Christmas, as we wait in Advent, I’ve been reflecting on where Mary would be at with the whole thing, if it were happening today. She’d be pregnant, and probably on the way to Bethlehem.

But she’d be pregnant, though.

Can we just… can we just talk about the pregnancy thing for one sec?

I’ll be honest with you: God’s asked me to do some pretty weird stuff for Him.

I should clarify that He’s most certainly never asked me to bear miraculous children that are the Messiah for Him… but there’s been weird stuff, none-the-less.

Generally, I will do it… and most of the time, my parents end up finding out about it probably because I feel the need to keep them informed about my life because they are important people in it.

BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE ST ANNE AND ST JOACHIM’S REACTION TO THEIR DAUGHTER EXPLAINING THAT GOD HAD PUT A BABY IN HER BELLY? (And that, by the way, the baby is the promised the Messiah… Lol. Are you cool with that, Mum and Dad? Cool! Let’s all get ice cream).

…I highly doubt that they had ice cream in Ancient Palestine… and I’m also fairly certain that’s a very inaccurate representation of what I’m sure would have been the parental reaction gif of the… History of the World… if we had technology back then.

The Bible doesn’t specifically state what the parental reactions were, but it does say that St Joseph, Mary’s intended spouse, was planning on “quietly divorcing her”.

I feel like that speaks volumes to what her situation would have been – not even her fiance believed her story.

She would have lost her place in society. Her reputation. Her good name. She would have been a laughing stock. She would have been a fool.

I like to imagine how my Heavenly mother would have responded to this situation. My educated guess is: probably in righteous silence. Even when you have the answers, it’s sometimes unwise to explain them.

My best friend has been reminding me of something for a little while, now:

We are called to be fools for Christ.

Mary is a prime example of this.

Not only did she bear a precious child, she also bore the weight of shame, humiliation, rejection and disgust from her community.

I’m sure the joy and excitement of being blessed by having Jesus growing inside her would have done a lot to ease that pain.

But still!

You have to admire the woman’s dedication to God’s will in her life.

When God calls, there is always an element of risk involved. Generally, your comfort zone is always compromised, and there is a very, VERY high chance of everything going wrong… the idea of ending up a laughing stock, shunned and  humiliated isn’t the most fun thing.

The fruit of your suffering is the cause of your joy… It’s what makes the pain of waiting worth it, and it’s the reason we will sing and shout for joy. The pain of child birth brings forth the promised gift from the LORD.

Without waiting, we would never learn patience and trust. Sometimes our circumstances of waiting for and with God are uncomfortable and awkward. Sometimes we have no idea what to say when people ask us why we wait.

Most times, that’s the point.

We are called to be fools for Christ, but we are wise in and because of Him as well.

Regardless of what anyone said to her during her awkward Advent pregnancy, Mary had the last laugh because she was right all along – the baby she delivered, delivered her… and He has and will deliver us, too.

So, say “Yes”!
Even when it’s weird, risky and difficult… and experience the awkwardness of Advent, as we await the blessing of Christmas.

John 16:21
Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world.

 

Just Breathe.

I was talking to a good friend a few days ago about his vocation.
I shall henceforth refer to said friend as Bread.

The reason I call him “Bread” isn’t just for the sake of anonymity. He’d figured out that he was called to companionship, and he shared that he had found out that the etymology for companion and bread were the same. I thought there was some beautiful symbolism in that, but I’ll save it for another blog post.

Bread was telling me about his vocation of being a companion and how he had no idea how to fulfil a particularly calling he’d received of companionship. It was pretty abundantly clear that he was being called, but what should he do? How should he do it?

To be honest, I think he was freaking out a bit.

I told him to humour me and I asked him to do something:

Me: Breathe in. Good. Now breathe out. Good.
Me: You just fulfilled your vocation. Congrats.  

Let’s be real here.
Your vocation should be as easy as breathing. Yep, I said it.

Breathing is necessary for living, and so is your calling. In fact, I would go so far as to say that your vocation not only gives you life, but is your life. Breathing is something that we do naturally, much like our vocation. People spend ages in meditation and prayer and deep thought, attempting to figure out what is written on their heart by the Creator as their purpose for living… meanwhile, they’re already doing what they’re called to do.

Let me show you something cool from our origins:

Genesis 2:7
Then the LORD God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.

First, God made you. Then He gave you the breath of life… which allows you to live, and also gives you a purpose. We don’t need to be told to breathe in and out. It’s something that we just do naturally because it’s essential to live. Same goes for vocations.

So, if you’re a companion, then you will instinctively be a companion without trying. If you seek the truth, then you will instinctively seek the truth. If you’re called to teach, you will teach… Sometimes without even knowing it. Sometimes without even wanting to.

I don’t think that the inherent nature of fulfilling what you were created for means that you should stop seeking whatever that is. Being aware can be useful for understanding what God wants you to do, but sometimes it can also get in the way.

My StinkyBrother used to annoy me constantly when we were younger by coming up to me and saying, “You are now aware of your clothes irritating your skin. You are now aware of your breathing.” … and then I would be aware of my clothes and my breathing for ages afterwards and become so frustrated and focussed on it that I couldn’t do anything properly.

Same goes for your calling.

It’s when you figure out what God is saying and calling you to that you start to flip out and not know what to do to fulfil it. We all desperately want to love and serve Him the best that we can (and that’s totally AWESOME and totally NATURAL)… but the best thing to do is sit still and just breathe.

Which is probably the hardest thing ever. Especially if your circumstances aren’t friendly.

Breathing can be made difficult depending on your environment.
For example, sitting at the computer in the common room of my university, there is ample air for everyone in this room to breathe. If we were sitting on the moon in outer space… not so much, hey.

If I were to be exiled on the moon, though, the logical thing to bring with me would be A RAD AS SPACE SUIT as armour and A HECK OF A LOT OF OXYGEN… In that kind of situation, your vocation is still as easy as breathing… it’s just harder to breathe. Thankfully, scripture tells us that God is pretty much Heaven’s biggest fashionista, because He clothes us in so many things: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience (c.f. Col 3:12), for example… and not to mention, the “full armour of God” (c.f. Eph 6:10-18).

I feel like that actually trumps a rad as space suit.

All of these things to clothe us makes it possible for us to breathe in the Spirit of the LORD and breathe out our calling.

I find the interesting thing about vocations is that it’s a similar feeling when you are completely aware of what it is you’re being called to do, and when you have absolutely zero idea.

The wisest thing to do is the same in both instances: just breathe.

Job 33:4
The Spirit of the LORD has made me; the breath of the Almighty has given me life.

“That Dark Night”

I wonder how you would react if you found out that I was an atheist at one point in my life.

Shocked?
Yeah, well… I’m not.

Most of the time, when I talk to people who don’t believe in God, they explain that the reason they don’t believe is either because they have experienced a lot of suffering and can’t believe in a “loving” God who would allow that to happen, and/or they simply cannot feel His presence. Sometimes, they just say that they don’t have enough faith or experience of God to prove that He’s real. I think that’s both normal and understandable.

Mostly, I wonder how non-believers would react when they find out that believers have the same problems.

I once heard an interview of a Christian singer whom I love in which she described herself as a “non-believer in a believer’s body” (or something to that effect). She was very open and honest about the fact that she had sometimes doubts, and in fact, sometimes, she had more doubts than faith.

At the start of the year, I was watching a miniseries called World Without End with my parents. It’s fantastic and I would highly recommend it if you can put up with blood, guts, gore and brutally honest depiction of history (in particular church history that is, at times, really confronting).

One scene in particular stuck with me.
Two of my favourite characters in the series, both nuns, are talking. One nun, Prioress Cecilia (being the prioress means she runs the convent and is kind of a big deal and stuff) is kind of a bad ass throughout the whole thing, but in this scene, she’s on her death bed. Mother Cecilia’s choking out to Sr Caris that she wants Sr Caris to take over as Prioress… and Sr Caris reveals that, after all of the suffering she has seen in her life and endured, she’s not sure that she would make the best Prioress because she DOESN’T BELIEVE IN GOD (gasp!!!)

Mother Cecilia takes this news fairly well.
She says:

There are few true believers who have not gone through that dark night. 

I thought that was an incredible thing to say.

A few months later, one of my friends was sharing something that her mum had gone through. Although she was really close to God, her mum just stopped feeling His presence. For years. My friend, who I don’t think had ever watched this miniseries, explained that because her mum had got through “that dark night” and continued to love Jesus regardless, she was now in a much better place and ultimately closer to God. For me, I also emerged from my brief stint as a non-believer with a stronger faith and relationship with God.

This experience showed me that it’s completely normal to have doubts and many, many people turn away from God before they turn back. If someone close to you and/or someone you love is having doubts, it won’t help them if you turn away from them, have a screaming match with them or try and shove it down their throat. I know that from experience, because I’ve tried those three tactics and they have a 0% success rate.

What will help them is prayer, patience and an open mind. You never know what or when a dawn will break for this person. In fact, you can rarely know if one will break… but, from experience, nothing is worse in a dark night, than a random heckler telling you that you’re stupid, wrong and weak… Also from experience, nothing is better in a dark night than having someone to walk beside.

No matter what or when the dawn comes, don’t leave people to walk in the night by themselves.

Shalom!